Journey's End

I have been pregnant for 161 weeks out the last 312 weeks (52% of the last 6 years). I have carried 6 children, 4 I was blessed to be able to hold in my arms. I have breastfed for 32 months and will continue to do so for another 11. I have been waiting a long time to tell my story. Mostly, for me as I close this chapter in my life. Feel free to skip it.

When I started my journey I had only been in Oregon for a month. I could barely stand the constant drizzle of rain and the cloud coverage. No wonder I found myself pregnant so soon. My clothes were always wet, how they ended up on the floor is another story. So in poor form as a Christian, I found myself unwed and knocked up. The word boyfriend seemed immature and I felt a little sheepish and embarrassed as I attended my first prenatal appointment alone. But on the flip side, I could never imagine "doing the right thing" just because I found myself pregnant. I am too much of a romantic to get married out of obligation. I figured at best my relationship with Jeff would just deepen and grow as it had been doing all along and we would get there when we got there. At worst, I was an educated woman with a decent, albeit modest career. I could take care of myself and my child if need be with or without a man.

I lost that baby just as I was getting comfortable with the idea that I was carrying a life inside me. I reconciled that God knew better than I did what needed to happen. We had a rough spring that year and yet our love did deepen and it grew. And when we got there it was under a waterfall on a beautiful island surrounded by my family, where a pastor drove 7 hours to officiate our wedding because he wanted to make sure believers could have a Christian pastor officiate their ceremony. Not long after my dream wedding and honeymoon we got pregnant again. We lost that baby just as we were starting to dream about a life as a true "family" unit. Even after all this time and from time to time, the sting and sharp pain of grief will hit my heart so deeply, it feels like it was just yesterday. In a year's time I had to say good-bye before I could even say hello, twice.

My last delivery was a bit of redemption and reaffirming belief in myself. At 36 weeks I got checked and was told I was not dilated or even in the slightest bit effaced. A little demoralizing since I have always been a little further along by that appointment with all the other children. By Mother's Day it took all I had to be out and about. Lily has always been very low and she had dropped even further down my pelvis. It was not the most comfortable position for me but she seemed fine. On Tuesday May 10th my contractions were at regular intervals all day long. About 5-7 mins apart and pretty uncomfortable. We got admitted around 8:30PM. By midnight we were on our way home with a shot of morphine and anti-nausea combo. I progressed to a three and stayed there for a few more days. So family and friends stepped in to help me watch my kids and nourish their bodies with food that did not come through a window. I am forever being blessed by such wonderful women that I am honored to just even know let alone call friends.

On Friday the 13th, the same thing happened. I got to the hospital around 8PM, only to be given a shot of morphine and sent home. We got home and turned right back around. I arrived at the hospital at 12:45 AM, I had Lily in my arms at 1:22 AM. She was born at exactly 37 weeks. Just enough to not have to have any extra special care or days in the hospital. She also had the good sense to make her stay in my uterus the shortest out of all the kids.

I had two kids without an epidural and the other two with. I honestly didn't notice much of a difference with or without. So the "natural" vs. epidural battle is really lost on me. If someone wanted my two cents, I would say do what is best for you and your circumstance. It's not like you are a better mother or a better woman for doing it one way or another. I got sent home twice from the hospital. After Lily arrived, I realized it wasn't the medical professionals that were to blame. It was just me. My body isn't textbook. I treated my labors like the ACT when it was a pop quiz. It felt good to realize and accept that about my labors. It helped me focus on the good things that had happened during Violet's birth. It just took until Lily's birth to get over the self doubt that occurred with Violet's birth.

So that's how my reproductive journey ended. Fast and furious with a little delay of gratification to help ensure a lesson in patience and letting go of some worthless pride and accepting help that was offered out of love and true friendship. There are so many thank-yous and blessings to list that if I were an actress and this was an award show, I am sure the music would be cued and the audience at home would be seeing a Crest commercial right now.

Thank you to my husband for loving me despite all my shortcomings that seem to be so glaringly apparent when I am pregnant. I remember someone mentioned they hated when people used the term "we" when discussing pregnancy. I couldn't disagree more. It has always been a "we" with us. While I bore the brunt of the physical toll of pregnancy you dealt with mood-swings, wavering self-esteem, midnight runs to Wendy's, and countless other emotional and mental needs. And don't think it went unnoticed that you took on all diapering duties from the moment they were born to when you went back to work and even when you went back to work, especially in the middle of the night. Thank you for burning both ends of the candle so I could rest just a little bit more. I don't know how I would  survive 4 kids in 4 years without someone like you.

My Mom. Now I understand why a woman would leave everything and everyone she ever knew and loved to start a life in a foreign country with nothing more than the clothes on her back. I never really appreciated what a mother would be willing to do for her child. In fact, I think shamefully I took it for granted. Thank you for teaching me how to love by loving me so much. It is funny how quickly you will forgive your parents shortcomings when you become a parent yourself. When I am feeling powerless and want to play victim in my life I remember who my mother is and that is often enough for me to turn things around. I was fortunate to be raised by such a strong person.

My closest and dearest friends. I won't name names. You know who you are. Thank you for loving, supporting, feeding, clothing, and countless other "ings" not only me but Jeff and our children. I am so very blessed to be surrounded by kindred spirits who know exactly the right amount and the kind of help that is needed at the precise moment. There never seems to be a more reverent or deeper word for the feelings I have for all you have done and continue to do. "Thank You" seems so insufficient of a word to describe the level of gratitude I have for each of you.

And of course, a big Thank You to my most favorite healthcare provider, Kate Beadle, NP of Kaiser Permanente. We figured out the number of times we saw her over the last 6 years. We saw her more than we see some of our closest family members. It was bit emotional for both of us to say good-bye at my postpartum check up. I am thankful for the wonderful healthcare I was able to receive while I was trying to get pregnant, while pregnant, and after.

I sometimes feel silly Praising Jesus in a blog. I mean, does He even have time to check my blog?! But just in case He does happen to get the chance in His schedule I'm gonna give him a shout out, anyways. ALL of the GLORY and PRAISE go to Him. Since without Him I wouldn't have all those blessings to list above. I am thankful I was able to bear children with a man whom I deeply love and that we are able to share His Perfect Love with them as they grow. THANK YOU JESUS for seeing me safely through this journey and thankfully the journey has come to an end.


PRAISE THE LORD! YAHOO! I'm DONE!