Mercy...

This post is probably over titled and a little self-involved (which might be an oxymoron since the very nature of a personal blog is self involved).

Our church does podcasts and I am happy to click in the privacy of my own home with my own little communion cup of wine and listen to my pastor over fretting that my number will be flashed as soon as I get to my seat to come get my child because he can't pull it together.  I am constantly fretting and fussing to avoid the public temper tantrums and the wrangling of 2 other children while addressing the very loud and public temper tantrum (see, even now I am offering up excuses for my church attendance). I rationalize all the time with statements such as "God has way bigger things to tackle right now than my church attendance". In fact, I think I may have actually at one point prayed for "an act of God" for me to have a "good" excuse not to attend church. (yes, you suspected correctly, I don't always play with a full deck, if ya know what I mean)

But deep down, there is actually a deep yearning desire to hear His words in community with other followers, to sing Him praises, and to pause to start my week focused in Him that I can't seem to quelch no matter how much time has gone by.

But instead of asking for help, brainstorming ideas, or praying for it. I just simply gave up on trying to go. I figured not showing up was better than exposing to my church community that somehow I have failed because every other child can pull it together to color, play, and have snacks at Sunday School but my kid reacts like it's the end of the world. Because then I would have to admit very publicly that I can't seem to meet my child's needs in a way to make him feel secure about his world. It is a very sharp pain to wrestle with. It paralyzed me, it has paralyzed me for the last 27 months.

Somehow this month it didn't seem to be okay to just be a passive follower of Christ anymore no matter the reason for it. I wanted to be an active participant. Not because it makes me a better Christian (lots of people attend church on a regular basis who are not following Christ in the least bit) or it elevates my status with my Savior but simply because I need Him. More now than ever. Not because there is some crisis in my life. I just miss Him. I miss being able to worship. I miss learning about the Bible from those who have been called upon to use their talents to guide a flock of followers.

This week we have focused on praying for some resolution on how we could attend a series of talks that are scheduled for the next 10 weeks. So we just took the plunge no excuses, no derailments, just dogged determination that NOTHING would get in the way of getting us to a service this evening.

We chose to attend the least attended service so that we could bother the least amount of people and we uttered special prayers to those who might have to bear us in the audience. And we gave ourselves a little wiggle room knowing full well that we may have to leave service in the middle or even before it began if things were brewing a certain way.

I struggle with prayer and it's role sometimes. I don't know my definitive view on the subject matter and really this not the forum for those thoughts. But at any rate. There is truly a merciful God who knows me and hears my cry.  For the first time in over two years we were able to attend a service without trying to shush and entertain a spirited and rambunctious child. Lucas followed Max to the pajama party and stayed the whole time without a tantrum, not a peep in fact.

I have physically attended about a dozen services since Lucas was born. Honestly, it was the first time I heard the words of sermon in 2 years. It was beautiful. I take it as an immeasurable gift.

PRAISE JESUS!